What I learned from being a cheater.
A few years ago, I did the unforgivable: I cheated on my (then) girlfriend. I fell into the category of the men who are: assholes, good for nothing, untrusting, and unfaithful male companions. Needless to say, it was not the proudest moment in my life, and I have regretted the mistake every day since I was discovered. But at this point, there is no sense in making myself feel like crap over it because time has passed and I need to move on with my life.
I am not going to sit here and tell you that I was weak, it was a sexual impulse, or that I was In a bad relationship. The reality was that I was in a pretty good relationship and like millions of couples around the world, we had our moments. On top of that, I do not consider myself a “weak” man, so that’s also out of the question.
I made a conscious choice, and I paid for it dearly. It wasn’t the cheating part that got to me; the part that chews up my soul is that I was capable of doing something so horrible to someone that loves (or loved) me so much! When you think about it in hindsight, it’s the stupidest and ungrateful thing you can do to someone who loves you.
I always said to myself that I would never “be that guy”, but sure enough I became “that guy.”
The girl and I are on good terms now, but we rarely talk, and the feeling never goes away that I was a piece of shit at that time.
I am aware that I have to forgive myself for it because if you hold on to something like that, it will just produce toxic relationships and that’s not fair to the other person. I am not going to sit here and give you the generic excuses that “Hey, we are only human.” Sorry, but I don’t accept things like that and do not blame it on nature, the planets or the stars. We all make choices that affect us directly.
The person you are today is a result of all the Choices you made in the past; so shut up and accept that.
So, here are the five things I learned from being a cheater.
1) Make sure you are all in: When you are with someone, make sure to have both feet in and that’s it. Going back and forth about being in a relationship is something you should not be thinking about constantly. Once you make that commitment, that person deserves your undivided attention, heart, and soul.
2) Expresses yourself more: As men, we are the ones who shun people out and assume that things will work out on its own. I think growing up, my father wasn’t a good communicator to my mom and I believe that was one of the reasons their marriage didn’t work out. The apple didn’t fall far from the tree because I was the same way. I am a lot more vocal now on how I feel about a romantic relationship because there is a huge benefit in letting the person know where you stand. Trust me; it’s better than her looking at your phone and finding out that way.
3) Don’t blow up: Piggybacking off the 2nd point. A great benefit of being constantly transparent with your partner, you get to talk things out and fix them as you go. If you hold it in and not say a word, then the whole thing can blow up in your face. You could say things that you might regret and, in my case, do things that you will also regret. So talk it out for the benefit of not having a hostile argument with your partner.
4) Be honest: This should be a no-brainer but, unfortunately, this is the one I have to say gets abused more than all the others ones on this list. I feel like if we as individuals are more honest with our families, our partners, and most importantly to ourselves, we will be a lot happier and not have to toss and turn at night about hiding our skeletons in our closet. Granted we all have skeletons and eventually, they will get discovered. Being honest is the best way to gain acceptance and understanding from your partner, and I truly believe it will make your relationship stronger.
5) You have to forgive yourself and let it go: Shit happens, but that does not give you the excuses to do it again. The experiences that I had keeps playing in my head over and over like a movie. I keep thinking of ways where I should have been the hero in the film, but instead, I played the villain. The reality is, I can’t change anything and what’s done is done. I am sorry for what I did. However, I can’t beat myself up for it. All I can do is forgive myself and let it go. If I don’t let it go, then this feeling of regret and sadness will carry with me into my next relationship. That right there is not fair for the next person. LET IT GO, BRO!
I am not sure what this post will do for you, but I want you to know that shit happens, and things happen for a reason. As long as you learn from that experience and grow, you are awesome. If you keep running into the same problem over and over, then you need some serious help. I will hope you are mature enough to ask for it because if it is not fixed soon, you will ruin more relationships along the way.